On a patio, my undeniably Christian Grandfather
slept peacefully in a rocking chair, (made from real oak.)
    On a patio, my indisputably bad-tempered Grandmother
sat snoring loudly in an upright chair, (made from aluminium.)

    On a patio sat my essentially Christian Grandfather,
wearing nothing, and sleeping peacefully in a rocking chair,
(made from real oak, and polished every day without fail.)
    On a patio, sat my extremely bad-tempered Grandmother,
knitting, but snoring loudly in an upright chair, (made from
aluminium that glinted)

    In a rocking chair (An oak rocking chair, which he polished
diligently every day) on a patio at the edge of a cliff sat my
totally born-again Christian Grandfather, (who went to
church every Sunday, without fail) - wearing nothing
but a hat and sneakers, and sleeping peacefully.
In an upright chair (An aluminium upright chair,
which glinted in the sunlight,) on a patio at the edge of
a cliff sat my would-you-believe-it- unintentionally bad-
tempered Grandmother, (She was on medication, but it
didn't seem to help-) knitting white socks with red
stripes and sequins on the toes, while snoring loudly.

    Once upon a time on a patio at the edge of a very
high cliff sat my unquestioningly born-again Christian
Grandfather (Who went to church every, well, OK,
Almost-every, Sunday, without fail, unless he was really
sick - which was rare) wearing nothing but a green-tinged
chef's hat and hiking boots, while dreaming peacefully in
a (Real Oak) rocking chair, (That got patiently polished
every day he could remember.)
    Once upon a time on a patio at the edge of a very
high cliff sat my would-you-believe-it Uncharacteristi-
cally bad-tempered Grandmother, (She had pills which
didn't seem to work, but only she knew if she took them
or not-) Knitting off-white socks with red and blue
stripes and sea-horse shaped sequins on the toes of the
left one, while snoring loudly, in an (Shiny Aluminium)
upright chair, (Which glinted in the sunlight, such as
there was - !)

    Once upon a time on a patio on the 3rd rock from the
sun, on the edge of a cavernous abyss, sat my shockingly
born-again Christian Grandfather, (Who for 50 years had
never missed going to church once, but failed to get
there at the young age of 76 when his car broke down, the
taxi he ordered never arrived, and anyway, he slept in,)
wearing nothing but a blue-tinged cowboy hat and hill
boots, bought at Clarks, by-the-way, while dreaming
peacefully in a (Real Oak) rocking chair, (which got
polished when he could remember, that was not a lot.)

    Once upon a time on a patio on the 3rd rock from the
sun, on the edge of a cavernous abyss, sat my
would-you-believe-it- Oddly bad-tempered Grandmother,
(Who didn't actually take the pills, but sometimes would
appear to be quite rational and calm, as various
relatives often slipped sedatives or similar drugs into
her coffee,) Knitting off-white socks with red, white,
and blue stripes, and also with seahorse shaped sequins,
while snoring loudly in an (Shiny Aluminium) upright
chair, (Which shone in the sun, which was a rare
occurrence indeed...)

    Once upon a time on the 3rd rock from the sun, on a
patio at the edge of a cavernous abyss, sat my
appallingly born-again Christian Grandfather, (He had only
missed church once, and that was when he was 76, and even
then that was only because he slept in,) wearing nothing
but a top hat, (Like the kind that the great American
President Abraham Lincoln used to wear), and fluffy pink
slippers: (The kind that you get for Christmas that you
know you'll never put on, no matter how much money you
are offered), while dreaming peacefully in a (Real Oak)
rocking chair, (That desperately needed polishing, as a
matter-of-fact- because it only got polished when HE
remembered, and that wasn't very often....!)
    Once upon a time on the 3rd rock from the sun, on a
patio at the edge of a cavernous abyss, sat my would-you-
believe-it- delightedly bad-tempered Grandmother, (Who had
caught my father putting valium in her coffee, and since
then she had made it herself,) knitting red, white, and
blue socks with sequins on the toes of the left ones
(Ones that she will give you for your birthday, but of
course, you only dig them out of the bottom of your sock
drawer when you know she's coming to visit, and then you
wear them, and God forgive you for cursing, but she
doesn't even notice......) but not on the right, while
snoring loudly, (and just enough to drive even the most
Christian of men insane) in a (Shiny Aluminium) upright
chair, (that reflected the sun, - only once in a blue
moon, as that was about as often as the sun shone,
y'know.)

    Once upon a time on the 3rd rock from the sun,
on a patio at the edge of a very high fucking cliff,
sat my totally oblivious, and unintentionally
born-again Christian Grandfather, (Who after missing
church for the first time in his life when he was 76,
almost had a nervous break-down, but recovered when he
got to church on time the next week,) Wearing nothing but
Abraham Lincoln's Hat, (Or at the very least a very good
copy of Abraham Lincoln's hat - he was an American
President by-the-way) on his HEAD, of course, and fluffy
pink slippers on His feet, (Where else?) tied on, if you
must know, (I mean, who in their right mind would
actually wittingly or agreeably wear fluffy pink slippers?)
while dreaming in a (Real Oak) rocking chair, (that after months
of neglect had actually been polished only yesterday,
and that was older than he was and was on the verge
of falling apart)

    Once upon a time on the 3rd rock from the sun, on a
patio at the edge of a cavernous abyss, sat my horribly
ugly and would-you-believe-it- delightedly bad-tempered
Grandmother, (Who had been amazing nice until sometime
last week when she discovered that her aforementioned
relatives, in this case, her errant son in law, had been
slipping marijuana into her food, and had since been in a
foul temper,) knitting off-white socks, (That you only
wear when she comes to visit, and then she doesn't
notice, socks that don't even match - both with red,
white, and blue stripes, but seahorse shaped sequins on
the toes of the left one, and who-knows what shaped
things on the toes of the right!) While still snoring
loudly in a (Shiny Aluminium) upright chair, (that had once reflected
the sun when it had appeared by mistake back in 1867
when she was only a wee girl!) Yes, (Snoring loudly
enough to wake the dead,) and also loud enough to
drive even unintentional (born-again-) Christians insane.

    Once upon a time, a (Long, long time ago,) in a
galaxy far, far away, (An (Almost) direct quote from the
most famous of movies, as if you didn't already Know,
- the one and only STAR WARS, created by the great
George Lucas), On a planet called Earth Which is 3rd rock
from the sun, (Their nearest star) on a patio at the edge
of a cliff, (At least the highest cliff in that small
corner of the galaxy, if not the whole God-forsaken
universe) Sat my completely surprised and definitively
born-again Christian Grandfather, (Who, having nearly
had a nervous breakdown after having missed church for
the first time in his life aged 76, went on to actually
give up going to church as he was getting too old, and
anyway, he had liked the idea of sleeping in on a Sunday,
it had been good, especially good to do something he had
never experienced before and actually like it first time,)
wearing nothing but a good copy of US President
Abraham Lincoln's hat, (On his HEAD, of course) and
fluffy pink slippers on his feet, which had had to be
tied on, due to his protestations, albeit to no avail,
and dreaming of.......

My also completely surprised, but at the same time
Would-you-believe-it- desperately ugly and delightedly
bad-tempered Grandmother, (who, after she had recovered
from the foul temper caused by her son-in-law, who only
wanted the best for her really, had been placed in an old
folks home and so stuffed up with pills she didn't even
know what day it was -) knitting odd socks (That you
would never wear unless she visited, and even then she
wouldn't notice) snoring noisily in a (Shiny Aluminium)
upright chair, (Which had reflected the sun, once, many,
many, years earlier, and even then only because the sun
was shining by mistake, it should actually have been over
Iceland, causing a massive thaw that, if it had actually
had happened, would have destroyed most of the western
world, which is a pity, - that is, a pity that it didn't
think to destroy Antarctica, and thus taking most of the
US of America with it. But I digress. To get back to the
point at hand, due to having only once seen the sun, the
chair wasn't so shiny after all, really,) falling off the
edge, (OF the Cliff.)

.......While sleeping peacefully in a (Real Oak) rocking
chair, (That, come to think of it, due to the lack of
polish, actually looked worse than grannies counterpart,
which as we know didn't shine any longer, well, anyway,
he had polished it, but with vaseline, not MacLeans
Superior Polish, (extra-specially conditioned for Real
Oak,) like he should have, and now it looked even worse
than it had done before he had polished it, OK?) that was
falling apart, and also joining his wife in falling off
the aforementioned cliff, which, was, in fact, really
happening, and therefore, not a dream at all.

Which goes a long way to explaining the Complete
Surprise, (Remember the Complete Surprise that had just
struck both of them?) that was added in by a new writer
at the very last minute, after the previous writer
mysteriously got lynched by very angry grandparents..!!

Back <